We are all grievers. And yet we live in a world where most of us who experience loss feel pressure to get over it –and to do it without “burdening” others. We learn to be strong for others, to try and replace our losses, even when a loved one (or less than loved one) has died. We learn  not to talk about our grief after a certain time has passed. We have a lot of tools that we are taught, and yet they are not, ultimately, helpful enough. In fact, they are often good tools for living, but not for helping with grief. As John James, of the Grief Recovery Institute, with whom I received my training, has said, “a hammer is a great tool, but I wouldn’t use it to hang wall paper.”

It is my philosophy that we can benefit by learning and then learning how to use new tools to complete our grief. Grief is not a pathology or an illness, but a natural reaction to loss – of a loved one, a marriage, a pet, a job, a life dream – I could go on and on – that all of us experience. With new tools we can complete our grief and retain all our memories or we can learn to let go of unpleasant or horrible memories too.

I run groups and talk with individuals to help them complete their grief. Some have said that the first stage of grief is denial. I believe that grief has no “stages” but is a feeling and a process. I have never met anyone who was in denial that their mother or husband or child died, or that their marriage had ended in divorce. We know what losses we have experienced. We may wish these things hadn’t happened and act that way sometimes, but we do know we are grievers and what it feels like. I do not know what you feel like, because EVERY relationship is unique and each loss is too. But I do know how to help. Call me if you are curious about grief recovery. I am sure I can help. 

Matthew S. Zilboorg  MACP LADC MAC   (802)-658-4208